Bad Dom/mes, Bad Subs and Predators
There's a lot of talk about "Bad Dom" lists, and some such lists actually exist. While there are a lot of "bad doms" around (and "bad dommes" and yes, even "bad subs"), compiling or using such a list as a guide would be pointless.
Before seeking out such a list, consider that names might be placed on it for all the wrong reasons:
This is not to say that there aren't "bad" dom/mes and subs out there; only that distribution of such a list would be counter-productive to safe and enjoyable meetings and would spread unnecessary gossip and rumors. It would smell a lot like the blacklisting of the 50s or even high school popularity contests.
- a personal dislike or vendetta
- "pay-back" by a rejected partner
- a bad BDSM experience based on uninformed expectations
- jealousy, competitiveness, or possessiveness schemes by others
- simple bad chemistry between two people
Being placed on such a list would be the equivalent of being named a rapist or child molester in your local community. The innocent can never escape a label like that, and there are other, more sensible and certain methods for dealing with the guilty than to call names.
If you are criminally victimized, report it to the authorities.
But if you meet someone and have a bad experience, if your pride is hurt, if you're embarrassed... learn from it and move on. Raising a "bad dom" alert simply because a person or an experience didn't live up to your expectations is pointless and petty.
If you're considering meeting or scening with someone for the first time, look to your own common sense first: Would you would meet this person if it was not in a BDSM context? Would you have sex with this person if there was not a D/s basis involved? Would you be willing to report non-consensual abuse or rape to the authorities, should such things occur? If you answer no to any of these questions, perhaps you should delay your meeting and examine your motives, or look for someone else.
There are predators out there... there are tragic stories of people being badly beaten, burned, abandoned, and even killed. There are also endless stories of people who no-show for planned meetings -- perhaps your partner isn't taking things as seriously as you think they are. BDSM is not for the naive, or for those seeking love and acceptance at any cost.
There are also many who are over-eager to become submissives, and they're often naive enough to leave themselves wide open for such predators. They're often involved in or just coming out of long-term relationships that have been unfulfilling or even abusive, and they're overwhelmed by the new possibilities they've discovered. They're often eager to dive in head-first, assuming that education and safety are for "everyone else". These wide-eyed innocents can and often do eventually find healthy D/s or BDSM relationships, but often by way of costly or potentially deadly mistakes.
And yes, there are over-eager new dominants also, who run all the same risks, along with the very high potential of unintentionally causing serious physical or emotional harm to another person because they didn't take the time or effort to learn what they're doing. It's not unheard of for new dominants to be taken advantage of in any number of ways by unscrupulous submissives, either.
Before going through with a first-meet or first-scene, do your homework:
More than anything, listen to your instincts. Separate your curiosity, impatience and thrill-seeking desires from your sense of true danger potential. If you have any warning flags, examine them before moving on. Some things to ask yourself...
- read and follow the Safety Tips in the D/s Help Info Pack
- if you're new, learn about the variety of BDSM activities -- a dream scene for some might be a terrifying ordeal for others
- know what you're getting into
- dominants should plan the activities carefully, talk them over with the submissive(s), and negotiate anything that's not mutually agreeable
- submissives should know exactly what to expect
- both should ask questions about anything that's unclear
- both should admit uncertainties or inexperience
- safewords, limits, and transportation should all be decided and agreed upon well in advance
- if you agree to give or receive personal references, follow them up, and be sure to consider the source: remember that one person's opinion is only that, and may or may not be the same as anyone else's
Does he or she:
If you met online, does he or she:
- swear they're single, but will only talk to you from work?
- brush off or refuse to discuss safety concerns?
- claim to be active in the BDSM club or party scene but won't give references when requested?
- seem to be less informed than they claim to be?
- put pressure or coerce you to meet and/or scene before you feel ready?
- tell you that safewords, public meetings, etc. are only for others and won't agree to them?
- have different wants or ideas than you about multiple partners vs. exclusive relationships?
- encourage you to keep your relationship a secret from others?
- not know about spouses or significant others in your life?
- refuse to give you their full name or phone number, even after a meeting is planned?
- know that you are actively seeking out safety information about BDSM and/or checking up on them?
Remember that every meeting and every scene carries potential dangers, but there's no need to tip the scales towards problems out of ignorance. Take every precaution you normally would for a vanilla meeting or date, and more. Enjoy yourselves and each other by being safe and informed... and have a great time when you do!
- never join you in public chat areas?
- change their screenname often?
- refuse to give you other names they use or have used?
- "hide out" when online?
These files are presented for general information only and are not meant to be a "how-to" guide.
As with anything, what works for someone else may or may not work for you.
Use common sense when exploring new relationships of any type.
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