||The Legendary (and possibly true) Gerbil Story
This is an actual article from the Los Angeles Times:
"In retrospect, lighting the match was my big mistake. But I was only trying to retrieve the gerbil," Eric Tomaszewski told bemused doctors in the Severe Burns Unit of Salt Lake City Hospital.
Well, isn't that special.
Tomaszewski and his homosexual partner Andrew "Kiki" Farnum had been admitted for emergency treatment after a felching session had gone seriously awry.
"I pushed a cardboard tube up his rectum and slipped Raggot, our gerbil, in," he explained. "As usual, Kiki shouted out 'Armageddon', my cue that he'd had enough. I tried to retrieve Raggot, but he wouldn't come out again. I peered into the tube and struck a match, thinking that the light might attract him."
At a hushed press conference, a hospital spokesman described what happened next. "The match ignited a pocket of intestinal gas and a flame shot out of the tube, igniting Mr. Tomaszewski's hair and severely burning his face. It also set fire to the gerbil's fur and whiskers. This fire in turn ignited a larger pocket of gas further up the intestine, propelling the rodent out like a cannonball."
Tomaszewski suffered 2nd degree burns and a broken nose from the impact of the gerbil. Farnum suffered 1st and 2nd degree burns to his anus and lower intestinal tract.
I wonder what happened to Raggot?
Somebody listed the top ten things that scared him the most in reading this story... Here they are:
10. "I pushed a cardboard tube up his rectum..." Ouch!!!
9. "So I peered into the tube..." Aaaaaaaahhhh! I'm sorry, but that's like looking through a telescope into Hell. I'd rather use binoculars to stare at the sun.
8. That poor gerbil (who obviously suffers from low self-esteem) being shot out of a guy's anus like Rocky the Flying Squirrel on the Bullwinkle Show.
7. Suffering a broken nose from a gerbil being launched out of someone's anus. I'm just guessing, but I seriously doubt said gerbil was springtime fresh after his little journey into Kiki's "tunnel of love".
6. People walking around with volcanic-like pockets of gas in their rectums.
5. People who do this kind of thing and then admit what they were doing when taken to the emergency room. Sorry, but I think I would have made up a story about a gang of roving, pyromaniac, anal sex fiends breaking into my house and sodomizing me with a lighter before I admitted the truth. Call me old-fashioned, but I just can't imagine looking at a doctor and saying, "Well Doc, it's like this. See we have this gerbil, and we took this cardboard tube..."
4. "1st and 2nd degree burns to the anus..." Wouldn't this make the burning itch and discomfort of hemorrhoids a welcome relief? How does one ever take a healthy shit after something like that? And the smell...
3. People named "Kiki" (which is obviously a Polynesian word for "idiotic white men who insert rodents up their butts").
2. What kind of hospital would hold a press conference on this?
1. This happened in Salt Lake City. What kind of people are those Mormons? (I'm starting to get a whole new image of the Osmonds...)